The days are shorter and cooler. A tune begins to play on the radio. You can
feel your heart tighten. What
used to be just a background
melody has become your song,
and you are left wondering
how and why something so wonderful
had to end so fast? The feelings
of sadness are almost overwhelming
as you reflect on the intense
love affair you never expected
to find and now feel completely
lost without. What is it about
summer love? How can it seem
so right, yet fade so often
with the advent of fall? More
importantly, how do we accept
this loss while moving forward
with the routines of life
and a belief that a better
and stronger love will happen
for us? We should begin with
an acknowledgement that relationships
start in different ways, under
different circumstances; and
their unique elements help
to determine their duration
and the course they will take.
Summertime is the season of
vacations, new adventures
and the opportunity to meet
and connect with people who
are in a life transition,
live in far away places and/or
are looking for an experience
apart from their "real" lives.
Therefore, time and geography
are often central to how we
view a summer romance and
what our expectations, hopes
and outcomes for it will be.
I received an email from a
young woman shortly after
Labor Day. She had just come
back from a summer of living
and working at the beach.
Even though she was dating
someone "back home", she found
herself spending more and
more time with a male co-worker.
"We felt an instant attraction",
she wrote. "Before I knew
it, I was getting serious,
and thought he felt the same."
As summer drew to a close
he made his plans to return
to school, thanking her for
a great time and telling her
he would never forget her.
She couldn't believe that
it was over. Her question,
"what do I do now?" If you
have had a similar recent
experience, the following
may be helpful to you. * The
first step is to appropriately
acknowledge your feelings.
Don't dismiss or bottle up
the sadness, loss and anger.
They will not just go away,
you have to own them and give
voice to them. Since it is
normal to remember a lost
relationship as "perfect",
take care to examine it in
a realistic light. Otherwise,
you could be left with the
belief that you will never
find a love like this again.
* Take care not to focus on
getting the relationship back.
This negative obsession can
cause you to become "stuck"
as you fill your thoughts
and time with second-guessing,
reexamining, emailing, and
phone calls that will most
likely be resented and/or
ignored. When the other person
clearly communicates that
it's over, it is. * Utilize
the support of friends and
family. Let the people who
care about you offer their
support in the form of good
listening and caring companionship.
This positive energy will
help carry you through the
first stages of grieving.
If necessary, seek professional
counseling. * Focus on yourself
and your goals. If you are
in transition, set achievable
objectives that keep you on
track. This will help you
bolster your self-esteem through
accomplishment and greater
success. * Be careful not
to utilize coping mechanisms
that will cause you greater
harm. Common examples include
self-medication with alcohol
and illegal drugs. Rushing
into a new relationship can
also prove to be destructive
and counter to the healing
process. Most of all, don't
rush the process. In time,
you will realize that no experience
is wasted. The learning and
growing that you have done
will offer you new tools in
building and sustaining a
lasting and healthy relationship.
Toni Coleman, MSW is a psychotherapist,
relationship coach and founder
of http://www.consum-mate.com.
As a recognized expert, Toni
has been quoted in many local
and national publications
including; The Chicago Tribune,
The Orlando Sentinel, New
York Daily News, Indianapolis
Star and Newsweek newspapers
and Family Circle, Cosmo Style,
Tango, Men's Health, Star
(regularly quoted body language
expert), and People magazines.
She has been featured on abcnews.com,
discovery.health.com, aolnews.com,
MSN.com, and Match.com. Toni
is also the featured relationship
coach in “The Business And
Practice Of Coaching,” ( Norton,
September 2005); and is the
author of the forward for,”
Winning Points With The Woman
In Your Life, One Touchdown
At A Time” (Simon and Schuster,
November 2005). From March
2005 until December 2005,
she was a weekly contributing
commentator (love and dating
coach) on the KTRS Radio Morning
Show, (St. Louis, MO). Toni
is a member of The International
Coach Federation, The International
Association of Coaches and
The National Association of
Social Workers.
