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Honestly, I don’t know enough about sex to comment on this topic. My last sexual partner is my current partner, and she has made it clear that for her, privacy is an aphrodisiac. All the better for you, since I have been forced to consult the sexiest person I know on your behalf. I talked to my German friend Sia Moore-Auphen. She’s been around the world so many times she has a passport collection: every page has at least three stamps on it and all the ink is bright red.
I asked Sia the secret to having More Sex. “Should people take out a clever personal ad?" I asked, "Do they need to sign-up for one of those on-line adult dating services? Or should I advise my readers to join the Young Republicrats and learn the art of making small talk?”
“No, No, NO! Rodney,” said Sia. “You make everything so complicated! There are only three secrets to having More Sex: one, you must date your own species; two, you must invite people into your bed, and; three, if they ask you, you have to say yes.”
I told her I didn’t think my readers would have a problem with the saying yes part, and that I believed most of them made it a rule to only date other human beings. “Just because someone is human, doesn’t mean I will go to bed with them,” said Sia. “If you are a troll, you need to date trolls. Homemakers should NOT date home wreckers. Elves should date elves not fairies. Polyamories should ONLY date other polies and so on.” I agreed that parrot lovers would have a lot to talk about and agreed to pass on her advice. “Great,” she said, “your chances of getting lucky, and for lasting sexual happiness, are greatly increased when you date your own sexual species.”
But how about getting them into bed? “Ask,” she said. “Nicely,” she added. That can’t be all there is to it? “It helps if you’ve talked honestly and openly about what you like and listened attentively when your potential partner said what THEY liked.” I tilted my head doubtfully. “Of course,” said Sia, “it also helps if you are a good kisser, a generous tipper and aren’t afraid to dance, but honesty and desire are paramount.” So, to review: date your own sexual species, ask, nicely, and say yes. “Right,” she said. “Oh, and use a condom and make sure they’ve had their shots, and if you ever get a chance to ..." she went into a long, detailed, explicit, steamy, oh-my explanation of ... well, anyway, it was beyond the purview of this article.
When I asked Sia about the question of quality, she said, “Quality is about being in the moment when you are together and being with the person you love when you are apart.” What? “Of course,” she explained, “you need to be there in the moments to know if what you are doing is working, to know how YOU feel about it, and to sense how THEY feel about it. Otherwise, you are just phoning it in.” Since Sia was Germany's number one phone sex operator three years running, I took her at her word. “And when you are apart,” she said, giving me a smoldering look, “you need to think about what the other person might like. Try to get inside their skin. Consider what they’ve told you, and what they have carefully avoided telling you. Then,” said “then you will come to bed with an appetite for your lover, a hunger you will both long to satisfy!”
I thanked my friend and since the air conditioning unit had completely stopped working in the little restaurant where we met, I gathered my notes to go. “Just tell them to lighten up! Confidence is attractive to men and women. See,” she said, glancing at the notes I held carefully in my lap, “my sense of confidence is working on you.”
About the Author
Rodney Robbins is a writer and cartoonist. He does NOT have Sia’s current telephone number as she left for an extended vacation in Europe with her friends Bud Taster and Candy Mellons. You can visit Rodney’s store at http://www.lulu.com/rodneyrobbins to enjoy samples of Rodney’s work, most of it very much “G” rated.
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