It is amazing to be able
to say I am a whole, happy,
healthy, loving woman. I was
sick for the first 40 years
of my life. Like millions
of other human beings I grew
up immersed in the family
disease of alcoholism. For
generations it has plagued
my family. The unbalanced
life I led is so common in
our society; I didnt know
anything was wrong. I was
a participant in the chaos,
confusion, neuroses, pain
and suffering which is present
in dysfunctional families.
I call it The Dance of Death.
I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri
in the community of Clayton.
The only memories I have of
my father are when he would
beat my brother and me with
his belt so severely my clothes
would cling to the bloody
strap marks on my legs. He
would make us wait for our
punishment in our room before
he dealt the ugly blows. My
mother closed her eyes to
what was happening. Both of
them partied on weekends where
I would find empty highball
glasses scattered all over
the living room. I had holes
in th e soles of my shoes
while my mother would model
a new diamond cocktail ring,
winnings from a weekly poker
game. My dad was also a compulsive
gambler. He died at the age
of 45 when I was nine years
old.
My mother attracted another
alcoholic to her life soon
after my fathers death. They
had a symbiotic, codependent
and addictive relationship.
Every ten days they would
consume a case of scotch which
was delivered to our apartment
from the local liquor store.
My mother never appeared drunk
but she was distant, selfish
and narcissistic. My step
fathers disease had progressed
to the point he was visibly
inebriated most evenings.
His attitude was condescending,
nasty and self righteous.
He was verbally abusive and
drove his car while intoxicated
on many occasions. When I
think back to that period
of my history I remember keeping
my personal life secret!!!
I was ashamed of their behavior.
I pretended all was well and
I began developing neurotic
habits for self preservation.
In my teens I danced several
days after school, participated
in theater groups, worked
in a department store and
had creative life in my head.
I imagined the way I wanted
my world to be and was in
denial as to the truth in
front of me. I became obsessive,
compulsive and an over achiever.
Because I worked so hard I
accomplished a lot for a young
girl but the reality was it
was inspired by fear, insecurity
and a need for control.
In college I devoted myself
to art and earned a B.S. in
Education and a M.A. in Painting
and Ceramics from the University
of Missouri. I was hired as
a college instructor soon
after graduate school. I felt
happy for a time because I
was away from home and involved
in teaching. I took my job
very seriously but the loneliness
I felt when I was by myself
was debilitating.
I longed for love . . . any
kind. I didnt realize it at
the time but I had never felt
affection. I became preoccupied
with thoughts of men. I had
guys on my mind constantly!
I was popular and had many
choices but I picked the ones
who I thought needed me. Most
often they were from dysfunctional
families. I dated a lot of
drunks during my 20s. It felt
familiar. In spite of my success
as an artist and a teacher,
I had low self esteem and
I knew something was wrong
with me.
In l969 I began a new life
in another city. Within a
week of moving to Boston,
Massachusetts, I was brutally
raped and hospitalized. I
never received help with this
trauma and didnt properly
grieve until years later.
I pushed down the pain and
was then, more than ever,
resolved to create the perfect
life for myself, (as if it
were in my hands?)
This was made easy for me
when Joey Haudel entered my
life. He filled the position
of my Knight in Shining Armour,
albeit, distorted. He was
young, handsome, and alcoholic
and had just been released
from prison. We needed each
other like ducks need water.
We bonded in a codependent
relationship that lasted 12
years.
Our experiences together
were astounding. What I learned
about myself was profound.
Our journey is almost unbelievable.
I have told this story in
a dramatic narrative, I Survived:
One Womans Journey of Self
Healing and Transformation
on DVD. It is filled with
the dark world of illness
and moves to the light of
wellness. I reached my bottom
after years of suffering.
I was contemplating suicide
but was saved by the Grace
of God and the dear voice
of a telephone operator who
kept me on the phone for over
an hour.
I spent years in recovery;
beginning with Al-Anon meetings
in 1973, several series of
Adult Children of Alcoholic
Therapy Sessions, individual
therapy with numerous therapists
and devouring self help books.
I had the courage to look
within and face the demons.
It wasnt easy and many times
I wanted to quit. I often
felt I was too depressed to
get well. One step at a time
I forged ahead and never looked
back! I visualized a healthy
prognosis. Today I am living
that beautiful picture!
I am happily married to a
man 19 years my junior. What
makes our relationship extraordinary
is that my husband was born
in 1960 the year after I graduated
from high school. I am older
than his mother. We recently
celebrated our 17th anniversary
and continue to share the
most fabulous life. The secret
of our success is our deeply
committed love for one another.
We enjoy a passionate romance.
I wish what Bryan and I have
could be sprinkled over the
world like angel dust.
We met in 1985 during a rainy
winter in San Francisco. We
were neighbors on a tiny street
near the historic Mission
Dolores. The worst storm of
the season was on its way
and my roof was leaking profusely.
I was in dire straits financially,
having been newly divorced.
I was preparing to fix it
myself. Unfortunately my ladder
wasnt tall enough. I needed
help. None of the folks I
knew were home that Saturday
morning but I noticed an open
door directly across from
my house. I hurried upstairs
to the second story flat in
the azure painted duplex and
walked down the long corridor
to the living room. There
on the sofa was a guy watching
the football game on T.V.
I introduced myself and then
proceeded to ask for his assistance.
He looked at me like I was
nuts. The silence was deafening.
How often does a stranger
enter your apartment with
a request for help with a
major repair? I was flushed
with embarrassment but was
in too deep to recover. Fortunately
he agreed to help me.
This uncommon beginning signaled
the magic that lay before
us. The sparks flew. We went
on our first date within days
of this meeting. Bryans car
was broken so we took the
bus across the city to an
authentic Moroccan restaurant
where we sat on paisley cushions
and ate with our fingers.
I remember clearly how primitive
this felt and how natural
it was to be with him. He
didnt seem the least bit concerned
about my age. I, on the other
hand, was more sensitive.
I was still healing from the
codependent relationship of
12 years and had never experienced
true intimacy. I wasnt sure
it was the proper thing to
do but I couldnt help myself;
I was falling in love. I was
scared because these feelings
were coming so quickly.
Bryan moved in with me within
weeks of our first meeting.
I remember thinking if it
didnt work out it would be
easy to ask him to leave because
all he owned was a T.V. For
Valentines Day he created
a hanging wire mobile in the
shape of intertwined hearts
and presented it to me with
flowers and chocolate. This
type of thoughtful gesture
is typical of Bryan. He has
never missed a special occasion
and has often surprised me
with jewelry when he returns
from a business trip.
One evening in the spring
we were waiting to board a
dinner train in Mendocino.
A drunken man approached us
and said, How come you two
are dressed up? Are you getting
married? Bryan looked at me
and said, Yes, we are arent
we? That was his proposal.
It was decided we would plan
a wedding for later that year.
But, first I needed to meet
Bryans mother.
Just the thought of it terrified
me! Bryan and his mother,
Sharon, have a rare bond.
He insisted he would not tell
anyone about our engagement
until she and I met. We drove
to southern California where
Sharon was visiting her sister,
Bryans aunt. I felt sick the
entire trip. I knew in advance
he was going to take his mother
shopping the next morning
alone to break the news to
her. I couldnt sleep at all
that night. What felt so right
to Bryan and me was unusual,
especially in the eyes of
a parent. When they returned
from their excursion Sharon
looked like she had just come
from a funeral. Fortunately,
for me, Aunt Toby accepted
the situation and eased the
tension by giving me a white
angel ornament. His mother
is a wonderful woman. In spite
of her disappointment, she
welcomed me into their family.
Over the years our relationship
has evolved into a unique
friendship, a cross between
a peer and a sister.
December 7, 1986, dressed
in an ivory colored Victorian
gown, I was driven to our
wedding in a horse drawn carriage.
I remember the sensation well.
As I heard the clip-pity clop
of the hoofs hitting the pavement
I felt it was the happiest
day of my life. The ride was
several miles long and I enjoyed
cars honking loudly at every
turn. When we arrived at the
elegant Alamo Square Inn Bryan
was waiting to escort me inside
to the nuptials. It was a
good thing he took my hand,
for as I exited the carriage,
my knees collapsed from shaking
so hard. The day was spectacular
marking a lifetime of love.
Both Bryan and I had always
wanted kids. By the time we
met my biological clock had
run out. He told me he would
rather marry a woman he loved
deeply than to wait for someone
to bear his children. For
several years we were content
to be a unit of two. After
my dear Aunt Letha died in
1992 I longed for a child.
Bryan agreed to adoption.
It was an arduous experience
requiring patience and resilience.
We had several birthmothers
who changed their minds for
different reasons. This process
took three years and a great
deal of money. Ultimately
we were blessed with a baby
girl we named Mariah. Our
daughter is now 8 years old
and the light of our life.
I am grateful I am able to
be a good parent and I relish
every moment I spend with
both of them as a family.
Bryan continues to be my
rock, strength and loving
support. During our years
together I have had many tragedies
including: my brother Johns
suicide in 1988, my ex- husband
Joeys death from alcoholism
in 1989, and my girlfriend
Debras suicide in 2002. I
was hospitalized with a potentially
life threatening blood clot
in my lungs in 1998. Bryan
stood by me through all of
these. I married a great guy!
I am a fortunate woman to
have found true love in the
heart of a younger man.
Each day I thank God for
the gifts I have been given.
I see my world as peaceful
and balanced. My mission is
to inspire people to their
own healing and recovery.
It is truly possible to find
serenity, joy and love. If
I can do it, so can you.
To learn more about Kay Kopit
visit: www.isurviveddocumentary.com
Contact: Rhonda Boudreaux
Office: 510-236-2668
Mobile: 510-236-2668
About The Author
Kay Kopit, accomplished artist,
actor, writer, speaker and
gifted teacher.
Kay Kopit grew up in the
Midwest town of Clayton, Missouri.
At the age of sixteen she
choreographed as well as designed
and made costumes for several
high school productions. Here
she found her passion for
art and theatre.
Kay attended the University
of Missouri where she received
a B.S. in Art Education and
M.A. in Painting and Ceramics.
While in college she continued
her interest in theater production
succeeding in choreography
and costume design for several
major productions, including
Carnival and Once Upon a Mattress.
After graduate school she
taught Life Drawing, Design,
and Ceramics at the very prestigious
Stephens College in Columbia,
Missouri.
In 1969 Kay was inspired
to move to the East or West
Coast. By the flip of a coin
(literally) she decided to
move to the East Coast where
she made Boston, Massachusetts
her home. She was immediately
offered a position teaching
art at Lexington High School.
After several successful years
teaching Kay was determined
to pursue a career in the
arts and theatre and moved
to California.
Kay moved to San Francisco
where she trained with Wendell
Phillips of the well-known
Stagegroup Theatre. For several
years she studied acting,
dance, public speaking, and
playwriting with reputable
names such as Elizabeth Huddle
of A.C.T., Peter Layton of
The Drama Studio of London
at Berkeley, and Sue Walden
of the Improvisational Workshop.
Kay had continued success
in her acting and modeling
career. She appeared in many
national commercials including:
Dreyers Grand Ice Cream, Hunt
Wesson Foods, Totinos Pizza,
Shaklee, and many more. She
acted as the principal spokesperson
for several Industrial Films
including: Chevron, Firemans
Fund, Zenger Miller Productions
and American Protective Services.
Her print work was extensive
including: Ketchum Advertising,
Safeway, and Emporium-Capwell.
Kays good business sense
and devotion to teaching inspired
her to open her own pottery
in Marin County, California.
She founded and operated,
Clay In Mind, a ceramic school
and gallery in San Rafael.
This venture led to Clay In
Mind II a manufacturing plant
in San Diego, California.
After many productive years
the opportunity to sell came
and Kay felt it was a good
time to do so.
Most recently, Kay is the
writer and producer of a documentary
of her life story, I Survived:
One Womans Journey of Self-Healing
and Transformation which covers
15 years of living with an
alcoholic. Although Kay was
successful in her life, behind
closed doors she endured pain,
shame and emotional maiming.
Her story is being told to
help others overcome the debilitating
disease of codependency.
Kay is now living an amazing
life with her husband Bryan
of 17 years (who just happens
to be 19 years her junior.)
To complete their family they
adopted a daughter at birth
when Kay was 54 years of age.
Besides being a mother and
wife she continues with her
love of painting, writing,
teaching and speaking on the
subject of codependency. Her
passion is not only the arts
but to help people through
her inspirational story. Her
courage, stamina, and faith
have given her direction and
the gift of helping give others
hope. Kay has several published
articles and writing a monthly
column for Recovery Times.
