Communication is the means
to get things done and an
indispensable medium for human
relationships. It is an essential
ingredient in providing the
important services of organizations,
as well as a basic source
of personal satisfaction.
Yet, although communication
is the single most important
factor in relationships and
work success, it is the least
taught and most neglected
skill we use. We tend to take
it for granted because too
often we think that communication
means, “You listen and
I talk.” Or “I
am talking, you listen.”
Real communication takes
place when the listener understands
the meaning of what the speaker
says. While understanding
the real meaning of the message
being sent is essential to
communication, it is not easy
to accomplish.
Miscommunication is more
prevalent than ever imagined.
In fact miscommunication is
so frequent it can be said
to be a normal occurrence.
Therefore, any work to create
effective communication needs
to start with that premise.
Thus with that in mind, I
will discuss four highly effective
tools to ensure that we have
understood the meaning of
a message or delivered the
message we intended to deliver.
If any one of these tools
is neglected, communication
may break down.
The primary tool in communication—making
sure the listener and the
speaker have the same frame
of reference.
The second important communication
took is asking clarifying
questions.
The third tool—paraphrasing
is essential. In paraphrasing,
the listener rephrases what
s/he has heard the speaker
say. Paraphrasing serves two
purposes. When the listener
paraphrases, the speaker can
verify that the listener has
understood the message. The
speaker can also verify that
the intended message has been
sent, because sometimes the
speaker says something different
from what s/he really meant.
The fourth took in effective
communication is vital in
developing and maintaining
close personal and professional
relationships. This tool is
listening for the words behind
the words, which translates
into understanding the feelings
behind what is being said.
The speaker often does not
overly state the feelings
associated with a message.
However, the feelings are
being conveyed through tone
of voice and body language.
The listener can pick up those
non-verbal messages and convey
to the speaker that the intimate
meaning of the message has
been heard.
In summary the four essential
tools in effective communication
are:
1. establishing a frame of
reference;
2. asking clarifying questions;
3. paraphrasing; and
4. listening for the words
behind the words (understanding
feelings)
It may seem that these communication
tools are for the listener
alone and that the listener
has the major responsibility
in making sure that the message
is understood. In reality,
communication is a 100% responsibility
for both the listener and
speaker. If you, as the speaker,
want to be sure your message
is understood, you can use
the same four communication
tools. Check with your listener
to verify that your frame
of reference is understood.
Invite your listener to ask
clarifying questions—such
as: When? Where? How? What?
Who.” Ask your listener
to paraphrase back to you
what has been understood.
Taking responsibility for
one’s feelings and conveying
them with the message will
make your communications more
meaningful and rewarding.
It is also helpful to convey
your feelings by making “I”
statements. For instance,
saying, “I am feeling
embarrassed at blowing it,”
takes the burden off the listener
in reading non-verbal messages.
Whether you are the speaker
or the listener, it is your
responsibility to use the
communication tools conscientiously
if the message is important
to you.
Communication is a more complicated
medium than we perceive it
to be. Whether listening,
reading, speaking, or writing,
we have selective listening
(reception) and selective
speaking (transmission) processes
operating at all times. As
you read this article, you
are selectively hearing my
message and I am selectively
sending it based on past experience,
needs values, images and the
language I use. These can
all become barriers to effective
communication.
As you listen, you filter
information in or out based
on your evaluation of what
you are hearing and your determination
if it has value. “Do
I need this? Will it give
me what I want? Is it important?”
If the answers to these questions
are “Yes,” you
will make more effort to be
sure you have understood.
If the answers are “No,”
You won’t take as much
time and effort. Since these
questions are usually asked
on an unconscious level, you
may often allow past experiences
to determine what you listen
to in the here and now.
As a speaker, you ask, “Is
it important to have my message
understood? What will I gain
if the listener understands?”
The greater your need to have
your message understood, the
more time you will spend making
sure you are heard.
The value you put on the
information being conveyed
also has a great deal to do
with how well you communicate.
As a listener, the value you
place on the speaker’s
information will determine
how conscientiously you use
good listening skills. If
you don’t agree with
the basic premise or if you
believe it isn’t important,
you may begin to evaluate
the message before the speaker
has finished speaking. You
may then begin to daydream
or mentally formulate a rebuttal.
As a speaker, the greater
the value you put on the information
the more time and effort you
will spend conveying it. If
you want your message to be
understood, it is important
for you to determine what
is of value to the listener
and deliver the message based
on the listener’s values.
When listeners are aware that
you place importance on their
values, they are usually willing
to hear the significance of
your message on a cognitive
and affective level.
The image that you, as a
listener, have of the speaker
also determines the level
of attention you will give
him/her. If you image is one
of respect, acceptance, or
understanding, you will be
more conscientious about making
sure the message is heard.
If the image is a judgmental
one—Does he know what
he is talking about? He doesn’t
have a PhD, how can know enough
to teach me?—you will
not spend adequate time using
effective communication skills.
The same is true if you are
the speaker. If your image
of the listener is one of
respect, understanding, or
acceptance, you will spend
time making sure the message
has been understood. If you
lack the self-image and self
confidence necessary to convey
your message to doctors, lawyer’s
or some other group with whom
you may feel inadequate, you
will fail to use the communication
skills and will not communicate
in depth or adequately.
These barriers are in operation
constantly on the part of
both listener and speaker.
In order for effective communication
to take place, these barriers
need to be checked out. If
the listener has an unfavorable
image of the speaker, the
speaker needs to address that
issue and resolve it. The
speaker can change a perception
someone has by clarifying
a misunderstood action or
reaction and by sending the
message in a way that will
meet the needs of the listener.
The language you use to convey
your message is important,
too. Any information can be
conveyed in an infinite number
of ways. As the speaker, you
need to use words the listener
will understand. Jargon can
be a problem; therefore, avoid
using professional argot,
regionalisms and ethnocentrisms.
You run the risk of losing
the listener’s interest.
If you are the listener and
do not understand the words
being used, ask the speaker
to explain.
To further create effectiveness
in the communication process,
you need to be aware of other
processes at work within the
listener. Developing a frame
of reference does not mean
simply gathering information
so that you can drop the right
word at the right time in
conveying a message. A person
perceives messages in a style
unique to that individual’s
development. Does the person
understand information better
when it is presented in a
logical, straightforward manner
or when it is offered with
descriptions and allegories
which can be visualized? Or
would a combination of both
the logical and descriptive
styles be more appropriate?
When we communicate, we too
often make the unfortunate
assumption that people are
logical at all times. Such,
however, is not the case.
Behavioral scientists have
long known that we sometimes
have trouble reconciling our
emotions and our logic. One
does not need to be a disciple
of Freud to know that our
emotions interfere with our
ability to reason.
There are physiological reasons
to explain the frequent dichotomy
between our emotional and
rational capabilities. The
brain of the Western World
human clearly delineates or
lateralizes emotions and logic
and assigns these activities
to opposite sides of the cerebral
cortex. The ‘emotional
side’ is housed in the
right cerebral hemisphere
and the ‘logical side’
is found on the left. A muscle
mass known as the corpus collasum
connects the two hemispheres
or ‘brains,’ allowing
messages to travel back and
forth so that the activities
of both can be integrated.
The left brain allows one
to be logical; it controls
analytical ability, order
and sequence, mathematics,
problem solving, decision
making, and formal language.
To address the logical brain
exclusively, however, is to
do injustice to the whole
person’s perception,
capabilities, and preference
in understanding information.
Equally as strong, though
perhaps more amorphous, is
the emotional brain, the right
brain. The right hemisphere
allows one to have imagination,
draw analogies, and be intuitive,
artistic, and creative. Since
both the emotional and the
logical side are involved
in your communications, it
is critical that you become
aware of the role of each
and learn ways to appeal to
both. You can use analogies
to paint a picture which will
appeal to your listeners’
artistic, creative inclinations.
In addition, you can analyze
your rationale for a decision,
appealing to their problem
solving, decision making abilities.
In this way you can assure
that you are communicating
with the whole person’s
perception capability and
preference. This double-pronged
approach increases the likelihood
that ore of the message will
be received on both cognitive
and affective levels.
We have discussed the importance
of conveying the meaning of
your message. How do you do
so? Again, it seems so simple—through
words, of course. Actually,
however, words have the least
impact on how your message
is ultimately understood.
A study done at General Electric
reveals that over half the
message—approximately
58 percent—is conveyed
by body language; 37 percent
of the message is conveyed
by tone of voice; and a mere
5 percent of the message is
conveyed by the words used.
In order to send a congruent
message, the words, tone of
voice, and body language need
to be sending the same message.
If the words say one thing
and the body language says
something else, the body language
is believed to be the real
message.
It is often said that body
language doesn’t lie.
This is true because body
language is an unconscious
process interpreted by the
right brain of the receiver.
Yet it is difficult to interpret
body language because a slight
variation can mean many different
things to different people.
One can, however, make accurate
inferences from many body
gestures. The eyes and facial
expressions convey the majority
of body language messages.
Flirting is a universally
understood form of communication.
Since the eyes and mouth are
the most distinctive, it is
important to study what you
are doing with them when making
statements. For example, when
you say, “No,”
you need to give firm, direct
(not staring or glaring) eye
contact and form the word
“no” with the
lips wide open and pushed
forward, squeezing in the
corners of the mouth as the
“O” sound finishes.
Your tone of voice needs to
be firm and at a slightly
lower register than normal
conversation. Using a lower
register does not mean speaking
more quietly. It means using
a slightly baritone sound.
Women have the most difficulty
in effecting this sound. Speaking
at too high a register sometimes
undermines women’s credibility
and may cause their statements
to be considered insignificant
or not worth taking seriously.
Men, on the other hand, have
a tendency to speak too harshly,
using sharp, hard tones even
when the situation doesn’t
require it. Men naturally
have deep voices; therefore,
they seldom need to lower
their voice inflection to
convey a firm message. Men
do need to be aware that their
natural tone of voice can
often intimidate. Thus, they
may need to soften and relax
their delivery.
These are generalizations
and need to be experimented
with. You will need to get
feedback from others to determine
how your delivery is being
perceived. Get several opinions
from male and female friends,
colleagues, superiors, subordinates,
and acquaintances. Although
you will receive slightly
different reactions, a pattern
will emerge which will give
you an idea how to ‘specialize’
your presentation when interacting
with specific individuals
or groups.
Learning to send a congruent
message which appeals to the
whole person’s perception
capability and preference
takes time and effort. For
those who are concerned that
it will take too much time
to learn to send a congruent
message, think of the time
you spend redoing, re-explaining,
or rehashing an issue that
has gone astray, or the damage
that is done when there are
misunderstandings. If one
aspect is not attended to,
the communication process
breaks down. In more complicated
forms of communication it
is paramount that all skills
for effective communication
are employed.
