| We'd just made it to the top of Mount
Shasta (well actually only as
far as the road goes) when the
subject of old-school bike shorts
came up. In those days I was still
pounding the roads training for
marathons, oblivious to the cyclist's
tribulations. My Mount Shasta
riding partner was the real hero
from yesteryear. He's the guy
who'd lived through the days of
wool bike shorts. You know...those
old wool bike shorts that were
washed in cold water... if you
ever wanted to squeeze into them
again. Even with the utmost of
care they crept further and further
up, gradually squeezing all the
life out of your legs. It's rumored
that the entire Speedo company
was founded by a cyclist who washed
his wool bike shorts in hot water.
So what modern improvements do
we enjoy in the world of bike
shorts? An Upgrade In Materials
The most obvious upgrade is also
the aspect of modern bike shorts
that makes the newbie most nervous.
Namely...Spandex. Lot's of bulges
and unseemly adipose rolls. Spandex
is like those lyrics, "Nowhere
To Run and There's No Place To
Hide". The Spandex used in bike
shorts comes in two thicknesses.
You have eight ounce and you have
six ounce. There's not much of
a difference between the two.
Eight ounce Spandex costs a bit
more and is said to squeeze the
cyclist's massive thighs tighter.
Six Panel vs. Eight Panel In the
bad old days bike shorts were
made of inflexible materials,
namely the above mentioned wool
fabric. If you haven't noticed,
the part of the human anatomy
in and around the unseemly parts
is fraught with curves. This isn't
inflexible-fabric-friendly. After
inventing the wheel and harnessing
fire, mankind's greatest minds
tackled this problem. Their solution...multi-paneled
bike shorts. More panels made
for more form fitting conformation.
If it weren't for the irritation
of the seams, we may have seen
shorts that looked like Grandma's
most intricate quilt. Anyway,
eight panels was better than six.
But now that modern materials
can stretch to the moon and back,
this issue isn't as critical for
comfort or function. However it's
still very important for prestige.
One piece of Spandex could quite
likely cover the middle sections
of two cyclists standing very
close together, virtually eliminating
the need for a multitude of panels.
However, veteran cyclists insist
on eight panel bike shorts. Going
For Broke Some bike shorts cost
$30 and some cost $275. But what
if the $275 bike shorts are actually
cheaper than the cheap ones? Huh?
Here's how you sell your spouse
on some $275 Assos bib shorts.
Just remember that the Assos bib
shorts last for 18 'biking' years
(a chronological year times seven)
while the $30 dollar shorts last
for one 'mouse' year (a chronological
year divided by seven). The Assos
bib costs a little over $2 a year
while the $30 shorts cost a whopping
$210 dollars a year. So you tell
me...who'd be foolish enough to
buy anything other than the $275
Assos bike shorts? Specialized
Features Biking shorts are cut
differently than the pants your
plumber favors. The waist is higher
in the back and lower in the front.
Since the cyclist spends a lot
of time bent over, as does the
plumber, biking shorts preclude
a wind vortex from assaulting
the butt crack, even in the fiercest
headwind. A plumber's customers
should be so lucky. Waist strings
should be wider than the G string
on your guitar so they don't cut
into your gut. Most bike shorts
have an elastic waistband instead
of a string. Some, like my Hind
shorts, couldn't decide so they
provided an elasticized waist
string. I guess you can have it
both ways. Leg grippers are sticky
bands on the inside of the short's
legs. They serve to thwart your
short's efforts to ride up your
leg, applying more pressure to
the groin. Funky Bib Shorts Bib
shorts (bike shorts with built-in
suspenders) keep a constant upward
pull so that the crotch liner
is snug against the nether regions.
This is important because bunching
or rubbing of crotch material
is a nuisance after a few hours
of riding. A down side to the
bib short is that they make it
more difficult to urinate while
riding. Well not while actually
riding, but more accurately when
taking a break during a ride.
Bib shorts and non-bib shorts
perform equally well with regard
to urinating while riding. The
Chamois Insert A good argument
could be made that the ultimate
function of the bike short is
to keep the all-important crotch
liner successfully aligned between
the saddle and the rider. In the
past, the liner was usually made
of sheep skin. It's main feature
was to protect the rider from
all of those seams holding together
the many wool panels. Things have
changed. Today, seams aren't as
big of a problem and man-made
materials have surpassed the lowly
sheepskin. Each bike shorts manufacturer
has developed a liner that surpasses
all others. It's up to you to
decide which is most comfortable
for you personally. You can usually
make your decision soon after
you've ridden in them long enough
to keep you from returning them
for an exchange or refund. Beware
of non-breathable inserts like
gel pads. Unnamed experts claim
that if the crotch can't breath,
moisture will build up, resulting
in an irritation like a diaper
rash. While I may argue that the
crotch doesn't actually inhale
and exhale, they have a valid
point. Be Brave So get courageous,
suck up your gut, arrange yourself
carefully, and pull on your modern,
padded, itch-proof bike shorts.
Ron Fritzke is a runner converted
to cycling. His unique view of
cycling apparel and accessories
adds spicy humor to his reviews.
You can read more of his opinionated
drivel at http://www.cycling-review.com/.
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