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Effective parenting can be thought of in two different ways. How you view what is "effective"—or what works—says a lot about your beliefs about parenting and your relationship with your child. When you think about good parenting skills, are you thinking about what will be effective in the moment or what will be most beneficial in the long run?
Effective parenting means doing what is in the best interest of the child by taking the long view. To give you an example, let's talk about handling a common situation. Many parents have written me saying that their toddler slapped them across the face and wanted to know what to do. My first question is to ask them how they reacted. Surprisingly, a number of parents told me that they slapped their toddler right back. When I asked them why, they replied, "Because I wanted her to know how that felt!"
This is an example of ineffective parenting. Slapping your child across the face after she has slapped you may seem effective because it will stop the child from hitting you, but it doesn't teach the child why she shouldn't hit you in the first place and it certainly doesn't teach her compassion for others. Reacting to your child's behavior only makes you look and act like a bigger child.
Effective parenting helps a parent stop and take the long view. Why did the child hit you—was she frustrated or angry? What was the unmet need that drove her action? Was she just testing the limits or reacting to your suppression of her will? Remember that children react, while parents must learn how to respond if they want to raise their children to be mature adults, rather than just children in grownup's clothing.
Effective parenting is what I call "responsive parenting." Such a parent is able to view the child's behavior within the context of human development. Although children can be sweet and compassionate when they are frustrated or angry, they do lash out. It is this tendency to react that must be responded to with care and compassion by the parents so that over time, the child will learn how to be as responsive as her role models.
This is the crux of effective parenting: responding to what is needed. If a toddler slaps a parent, what is the greater need—the parent's need to "teach a lesson," get even or the child's need to learn respect and compassion for others? Although it may seem like an easy decision when framed the way I've presented it, a parent needs to develop the awareness to recognize the greater choice.
Laura Ramirez is the author of the multiple award-winning book, Keepers of the Children: Native American Wisdom and Parenting - http://www.walk-in-peace.com/keepers.html The book combines ancient native principles (such as stewardship) with heart-centered psychology to teach parents how to raise children to develop their strengths and unfold their spiritual nature. More than just a book on parenting, it shows how parenting is a path of personal growth for child and parent.
Laura is also the publisher of Family Matters Online Parenting Magazine - http://www.parenting-child-development.com/ which offers insights into the core issues today's parents face. She lives with her husband and children in the Northern Nevada foothills. Laura teaches online parenting classes and is available for speaking engagements.
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